An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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