told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
