I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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