You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
