i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
