I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
