You're my little dorito
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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