You're completely useless in the revolution.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
