good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
