I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
