Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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