I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
