probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
