my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
