I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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