I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
