he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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