If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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