I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
