my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
