We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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