What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
