i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
