I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
