2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
