so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
jump out the window naked night went bad
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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