His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
