Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this just has baby written all over it
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
