Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
