you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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