i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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