I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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