He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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