I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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