I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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