Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
