And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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