At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
