Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
