Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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