He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
