I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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