wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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