just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
