Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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