I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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