she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
