My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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