Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
