apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
They took my balls.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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