I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
